Dear Everyone,
WOW
So...yeah.
I'm bad at regularly running my blog.
I've been going through some stuff lately and I haven't really been in the mood for writing. But, I do know now, that writing helps me make sense of things. Kind of like when you vent.. I've never been much of a talker. I like to be private and secretive. And that's why I need this blog so much. So that I can have a way to be public without being public. If that makes any sort of sense I'll be pleased.
But anyway, my post today is on things that don't make sense.
Things such as animals. Now I've been called heartless before, but I'm really just not an animal person. If there was an animal I would like for a pet, it would be a cat. The moodier the better. I don't like when puppies lick my face and when they bark and bark and bark. Believe me, I've been pet sitting lately and having a small sleep straddling your shin under the covers is unsettling when you have literally no experience with dogs. I just don't understand how to co exist with small, excited furry creatures that try to talk to me using a series of alarmed sounds. Not my thing.
Also, Russians. I don't understand you guys either. I just don't get why you guys answer the phone and immediately start yelling. I mean in my opinion you guys have horrible cell service and wifi to begin with so I imagine just picking up the phone is frustrating enough. Actually I know it's frustrating. It's like..."Oh! My phone is ringing. Well let's see how long this call lasts until the polluted air strangles my service!!" Yep. It's not a phone call to Russia if the call doesn't drop at least three times. And I mean, the KGB are totally not listening to your conversations. No, definitely not.
And don't even get me started on boys. Boys make no sense. My seventeen year old brother has actually said that he doesn't understand the concept of having inner conversations with himself. Oh okay cool so basically you don't think. That's awesome. (?????) And boys never pick up on hints that we girls drop for them. We are plainly and articulately asking for them to listen to us and hold us while we cry when we say, "LEAVE ME ALONE DONT TALK TO ME YOU DONT UNDERSTAND ME AT ALL IM FINE IM FINE IM FINE GEEZ JUST LEAVE ALREADY AND DONT TEXT ME!"
C'mon guys. The call for a calm heart to heart was never more clear.
I'll just end this post now while I'm ahead.
Signed,
Emma
Wednesday, January 27, 2016
Friday, January 1, 2016
Dear Everyone,
New Years, for some reason, always fills me with a dull longing. In fact, the entire holiday season, stretching from Thanksgiving until my birthday in March is a quiet time for me. And I don't know why. It's a sweet mix of nostalgia, stress and confusion that makes these days different for me. Maybe it's because I feel like my year has been wasted. That it's been dulled and appraised and left in the attic because the New Year has begun. I don't understand the cheering and celebration that comes with a New Year, you're just starting again. You're one year closer to your last birthday.
Maybe it's because my "best moments" on Instagram were given to me by a website, pulling up pictures that got the most feedback from my followers. Moments such as walking home from the grocery store with someone who I didn't care for and it started snowing right outside of school so we took pictures. I forget that that day even existed. Another one of my best moments was a picture of me finishing a ballet variation that I was rehearsing, and I cropped out my legs in the picture because I hated them so much.
Maybe it's because my actual best moments are only mine. Moments that I had to myself. Moments that went on in my head, things only I could see. Revelations that I made and choices that effected how 2015 went.
Maybe it's because 2015 was a great year. And by great I don't mean awesome and I loved every second of it. I mean great as in, wow so much happened in only 365 days and I am 356% percent different.
Here's to the New Year.
Signed,
Emma
New Years, for some reason, always fills me with a dull longing. In fact, the entire holiday season, stretching from Thanksgiving until my birthday in March is a quiet time for me. And I don't know why. It's a sweet mix of nostalgia, stress and confusion that makes these days different for me. Maybe it's because I feel like my year has been wasted. That it's been dulled and appraised and left in the attic because the New Year has begun. I don't understand the cheering and celebration that comes with a New Year, you're just starting again. You're one year closer to your last birthday.
Maybe it's because my "best moments" on Instagram were given to me by a website, pulling up pictures that got the most feedback from my followers. Moments such as walking home from the grocery store with someone who I didn't care for and it started snowing right outside of school so we took pictures. I forget that that day even existed. Another one of my best moments was a picture of me finishing a ballet variation that I was rehearsing, and I cropped out my legs in the picture because I hated them so much.
Maybe it's because my actual best moments are only mine. Moments that I had to myself. Moments that went on in my head, things only I could see. Revelations that I made and choices that effected how 2015 went.
Maybe it's because 2015 was a great year. And by great I don't mean awesome and I loved every second of it. I mean great as in, wow so much happened in only 365 days and I am 356% percent different.
Here's to the New Year.
Signed,
Emma
Saturday, December 12, 2015
Dear Everyone,
Recently, I've realized that I never stand my ground on societal topics and arguments. I do this because it's deeply ingrained in me by society, that as a teenage girl, my opinions don't matter because much of what we say is seen as "silly".
And as a woman, my period, is apparently something that causes everything I say to turn into "Are you PMSing or something?" Other things that come with my being a woman: cat calling, judgement and/or correction referring to how I dress my body, comments like "boys won't like you if you ____ , really just the notion that my life revolves around boys, the deeply ingrained shame of my body because females are taught that we need to cover up because males can't control their eyes.
And as a human who suffers from mental illness a lot of people think I'm faking it, or I'm hungry for attention. BONUS: having to listen to people use my illnesses as adjectives (i.e. "I used to be anorexic."), having to listen to people tell me I can when I really can't, having to keep up with mentally healthy people in school and work, people automatically assuming I'm "crazy" or "I went off the deep end", and people who have no idea what to say to me, but they still say something.
So I deal with that on a daily basis.
But hear me when I say that I'm not complaining. Because I am lucky. I'm privileged.
Emma's Privilege Tally:
Native English Speaker
Standard Accent
Employed
Cis Gendered
White
No Criminal Record
Adult
First World
American
Thin
Attractive
Born in country of residence
Connected to family
No Speech impediment
Brown Haired
Able Bodied
Intelligent/Educated
And that's a short list.
Can you imagine if I was unprivileged in all these areas? I would've had to explain each one for you instead of the three that I did list. And that's the thing, I bet some of you didn't even think about some of the ways I am oppressed, because oppression is basically invisible most of the time.
So I'm not going to be silent.
Please expect several more blog posts like this one.
And if this post just makes you that uncomfortable that you have to confront me about it, feel free. But chances are, this letter was meant for you.
Signed,
Emma
Recently, I've realized that I never stand my ground on societal topics and arguments. I do this because it's deeply ingrained in me by society, that as a teenage girl, my opinions don't matter because much of what we say is seen as "silly".
And as a woman, my period, is apparently something that causes everything I say to turn into "Are you PMSing or something?" Other things that come with my being a woman: cat calling, judgement and/or correction referring to how I dress my body, comments like "boys won't like you if you ____ , really just the notion that my life revolves around boys, the deeply ingrained shame of my body because females are taught that we need to cover up because males can't control their eyes.
And as a human who suffers from mental illness a lot of people think I'm faking it, or I'm hungry for attention. BONUS: having to listen to people use my illnesses as adjectives (i.e. "I used to be anorexic."), having to listen to people tell me I can when I really can't, having to keep up with mentally healthy people in school and work, people automatically assuming I'm "crazy" or "I went off the deep end", and people who have no idea what to say to me, but they still say something.
So I deal with that on a daily basis.
But hear me when I say that I'm not complaining. Because I am lucky. I'm privileged.
Emma's Privilege Tally:
Native English Speaker
Standard Accent
Employed
Cis Gendered
White
No Criminal Record
Adult
First World
American
Thin
Attractive
Born in country of residence
Connected to family
No Speech impediment
Brown Haired
Able Bodied
Intelligent/Educated
And that's a short list.
Can you imagine if I was unprivileged in all these areas? I would've had to explain each one for you instead of the three that I did list. And that's the thing, I bet some of you didn't even think about some of the ways I am oppressed, because oppression is basically invisible most of the time.
So I'm not going to be silent.
Please expect several more blog posts like this one.
And if this post just makes you that uncomfortable that you have to confront me about it, feel free. But chances are, this letter was meant for you.
Signed,
Emma
Friday, December 4, 2015
Dear Everyone,
Writing is hard sometimes.
Words easily get knotted up behind a heavy door in your brain and your hands just stop working when they come in contact with a keyboard.
It's way easier to just go alksnfifow[hifqenigvjebuq[hefvjerolq'jer9t0u3q449htn43kwenfldif9qvgklbg
jqbeiruhf[qioeyh n rwiuq90y8e9r q ewr8tywr e8yqw8 ryqf8rtyqrtyqergyyrg wgy q8 yrquyrq8 q-8yq8r q8 9y-rt83249jwe rr jpir h28yg 8yg 8by -8by tt8g24 ug24ijh28tgu09 u 9e8 we8rug8we9rrwojfiu0w8w-e89ryw 298ygw 8-yw8eyg8wyttwe8y8w9e8yw9-e89yryw-wyyyrryryr hwio[hrgiw, rather than try to put out sentences that make sense and that people will like to read. That's every writers dream, for people to WANT to read their words and ideas. I hope that someday I write something that will be recommended by friends to friends.
Writing something that you're proud of, is the most amazing feeling in the world. I hope everyone feels that feeling at least once in their life.
Signed,
Emma
Writing is hard sometimes.
Words easily get knotted up behind a heavy door in your brain and your hands just stop working when they come in contact with a keyboard.
It's way easier to just go alksnfifow[hifqenigvjebuq[hefvjerolq'jer9t0u3q449htn43kwenfldif9qvgklbg
jqbeiruhf[qioeyh n rwiuq90y8e9r q ewr8tywr e8yqw8 ryqf8rtyqrtyqergyyrg wgy q8 yrquyrq8 q-8yq8r q8 9y-rt83249jwe rr jpir h28yg 8yg 8by -8by tt8g24 ug24ijh28tgu09 u 9e8 we8rug8we9rrwojfiu0w8w-e89ryw 298ygw 8-yw8eyg8wyttwe8y8w9e8yw9-e89yryw-wyyyrryryr hwio[hrgiw, rather than try to put out sentences that make sense and that people will like to read. That's every writers dream, for people to WANT to read their words and ideas. I hope that someday I write something that will be recommended by friends to friends.
Writing something that you're proud of, is the most amazing feeling in the world. I hope everyone feels that feeling at least once in their life.
Signed,
Emma
Sunday, November 29, 2015
Dear People Whom I'm Thankful For,
So it's been a while since I last posted.
The holiday has been brutal on my work schedule. I love working in retail (Like for real, no sarcasm, I actually really love my job), but working thanksgiving and black friday really was something...
ANYWAY
Here I am, with a list of people who have played a big role in my life. Some of these people are negative and some positive and I love dearly. But because they were/are in my life I am who I am today, and for that I am so thankful. These people will be unnamed. All I will say, is the greatest reason why I am thankful for them.
1) Thank you for being a true friend.
2) Thank you for being care free.
3) Thank you for understanding me.
4) Thank you for being difficult in more ways than one.
5) Thank you for always being honest.
6) Thank you for being brave.
7) Thank you for being a leader and showing people where to go.
8) Thank you for making me live life while I can.
9) Thank you for teaching me what I need to know, with a blunt lack of sugar coating.
10) Thank you for teaching me about love.
11) Thank you for showing me that being outside your comfort zone isn't always bad.
12) Thank you for letting me shine.
13) Thank you for being my buddy.
14) Thank you for being different.
15) Thank you for pushing my limits.
16) Thank you for showing my motherly love.
17) Thank you for sticking with me.
18) Thank you for being an angel.
19) Thank you for being a "hero" in times of need.
20) Thank you for being my loudest cheerleader.
21) Thank you for adoring me as I am.
22) Thank you for taking me in and showing me love.
23) Thank you for giving me memories.
24) Thank you for being so influential on me, and others.
25) Thank you for being the younger sister I felt I never had.
26) Thank you for pushing me to work past mental and physical pain.
27) Thank you for being my best friend.
28) Thank you for being honest.
29) Thank you for being my rock.
30) Thank you for openly struggling.
31) Thank you for making me what I could've been.
32) Thank you for being what you never got.
33) Thank you for being there in the storm.
34) Thank you for being amazing.
35) Thank you for getting me to Russia.
36) Thank you for believing in me.
37) Thank you for testing my love.
38) Thank you for making me talk.
39) Thank you for making me smile in hard times.
40) Thank you for always being there, regardless of my actions.
41) Thank you for being the best example.
42) Thank you for being "that" friend.
43) Thank you for giving me roots.
44) Thank you for teaching me to free myself from chains.
So it's been a while since I last posted.
The holiday has been brutal on my work schedule. I love working in retail (Like for real, no sarcasm, I actually really love my job), but working thanksgiving and black friday really was something...
ANYWAY
Here I am, with a list of people who have played a big role in my life. Some of these people are negative and some positive and I love dearly. But because they were/are in my life I am who I am today, and for that I am so thankful. These people will be unnamed. All I will say, is the greatest reason why I am thankful for them.
1) Thank you for being a true friend.
2) Thank you for being care free.
3) Thank you for understanding me.
4) Thank you for being difficult in more ways than one.
5) Thank you for always being honest.
6) Thank you for being brave.
7) Thank you for being a leader and showing people where to go.
8) Thank you for making me live life while I can.
9) Thank you for teaching me what I need to know, with a blunt lack of sugar coating.
10) Thank you for teaching me about love.
11) Thank you for showing me that being outside your comfort zone isn't always bad.
12) Thank you for letting me shine.
13) Thank you for being my buddy.
14) Thank you for being different.
15) Thank you for pushing my limits.
16) Thank you for showing my motherly love.
17) Thank you for sticking with me.
18) Thank you for being an angel.
19) Thank you for being a "hero" in times of need.
20) Thank you for being my loudest cheerleader.
21) Thank you for adoring me as I am.
22) Thank you for taking me in and showing me love.
23) Thank you for giving me memories.
24) Thank you for being so influential on me, and others.
25) Thank you for being the younger sister I felt I never had.
26) Thank you for pushing me to work past mental and physical pain.
27) Thank you for being my best friend.
28) Thank you for being honest.
29) Thank you for being my rock.
30) Thank you for openly struggling.
31) Thank you for making me what I could've been.
32) Thank you for being what you never got.
33) Thank you for being there in the storm.
34) Thank you for being amazing.
35) Thank you for getting me to Russia.
36) Thank you for believing in me.
37) Thank you for testing my love.
38) Thank you for making me talk.
39) Thank you for making me smile in hard times.
40) Thank you for always being there, regardless of my actions.
41) Thank you for being the best example.
42) Thank you for being "that" friend.
43) Thank you for giving me roots.
44) Thank you for teaching me to free myself from chains.
Friday, November 20, 2015
Dear Mom and Dad,
About the eye roll thing, I can see how that would get annoying. But you see, I'm still stuck in the phase where you both are dumb as dirt. Child psychologists suggest that I'll snap out of it in my early twenties, so there's hope. But despite my sage, eighteen year old wisdom, part of me knows that you're right. But only sometimes. Don't get excited.
So I guess in the most oppositional way possible, I'm trying to say thank you and I love you.
I can't imagine how hard it must be for a parent to play tug of war with their child.
*lets go of rope*
Signed,
Emma
Dear Erik,
Someday you're going to have to let loose. You can't be so uptight your whole life or steam will keep building up and then you'll shatter. Believe me. Take it from someone who kept everything inside for so long. You can't be like me.
You're the most hardworking person I know and someday you'll be the best guy there ever was. But before you get too full of yourself...
I'm your big sister and you're still a knucklehead sometimes.
When you go to college don't get too "frat".
Signed,
Emma
Dear Ellie,
You may be taller but I'm older. Just to make that clear. I'm the alpha dog.
But I'm glad you're the Beta dog. When I'm gone, I know the manners of the household are left in good hands. And I know that because you're growing up. You don't deface my property anymore, you just bruise my self esteem a tad. Because really, you're beautiful and I don't tell you that enough. Because I wish I had an older sister to tell me that.
You're very capable, and sure the world is scary but hey, I'm scared of the dark. You just can't let it stop you.
I hope you get to marry Captain America someday.
Signed,
Emma
Dear Everson,
Every family has a hothead. And generally I don't get along with the hotheads.
You drive me crazy. (seriously just flush the toilet, that's all I ask.)
And because you make me want to pull my hair out, I might just love you the most. And when you come and give me hugs with no ulterior motives other than just stopping what you're doing to show me that you have a soul and you're not an ornery menace, my heart melts a little. Because under all the dirt, sweat and reptile facts, you're the most genuine little boy and I never want anything to happen to you.
But if you start milking rattlesnakes or get another idiot job, I'm disowning you.
Signed
Emma
Dear Elisha,
You mister, have had my heart since the beginning.
I just love your smile and your laugh. I love how excited you get about reading and playing dress up. Being a kid is the best, and if there was a right way to be eight years old, you're it.
And I want you to know that you don't have to do anything you don't want to you. Don't you let anyone ever tell you that you can't be something because of anything. As long as you love it, it's worth it.
When you're older I expect you to read The Westing Game because that's a good book and your other siblings are blind to literature.
Signed,
Emma
Dear Egan,
Oh boy are you lucky. I did so many dumb things that by the time you're a teenager, Mom and Dad won't care NEARLY as much when you "mess" up.
But in all honesty, I'm sorry for being gone most of your life. I'm sorry that everytime I'm gone overnight you assume that I'm never coming back. And I'm sorry that it's going to be like that. I don't want to be your phantom older sister and missing chunks of your life is is hard because I held you as a baby and I knew immediately that I would miss you growing up because I would be away at school.
But I want you to know that you'll always have me. You'll always have your big sister to come and talk to our parents when they're overreacting. And I'll bring you to concerts and I'll do fun things with you as much as I can. And when you're a Dad, and I hold your baby for the first time, I promise I'll cry.
And don't think I forgot that half the stuffed animals in your bed belong to me.
Signed,
Emma
About the eye roll thing, I can see how that would get annoying. But you see, I'm still stuck in the phase where you both are dumb as dirt. Child psychologists suggest that I'll snap out of it in my early twenties, so there's hope. But despite my sage, eighteen year old wisdom, part of me knows that you're right. But only sometimes. Don't get excited.
So I guess in the most oppositional way possible, I'm trying to say thank you and I love you.
I can't imagine how hard it must be for a parent to play tug of war with their child.
*lets go of rope*
Signed,
Emma
Dear Erik,
Someday you're going to have to let loose. You can't be so uptight your whole life or steam will keep building up and then you'll shatter. Believe me. Take it from someone who kept everything inside for so long. You can't be like me.
You're the most hardworking person I know and someday you'll be the best guy there ever was. But before you get too full of yourself...
I'm your big sister and you're still a knucklehead sometimes.
When you go to college don't get too "frat".
Signed,
Emma
Dear Ellie,
You may be taller but I'm older. Just to make that clear. I'm the alpha dog.
But I'm glad you're the Beta dog. When I'm gone, I know the manners of the household are left in good hands. And I know that because you're growing up. You don't deface my property anymore, you just bruise my self esteem a tad. Because really, you're beautiful and I don't tell you that enough. Because I wish I had an older sister to tell me that.
You're very capable, and sure the world is scary but hey, I'm scared of the dark. You just can't let it stop you.
I hope you get to marry Captain America someday.
Signed,
Emma
Dear Everson,
Every family has a hothead. And generally I don't get along with the hotheads.
You drive me crazy. (seriously just flush the toilet, that's all I ask.)
And because you make me want to pull my hair out, I might just love you the most. And when you come and give me hugs with no ulterior motives other than just stopping what you're doing to show me that you have a soul and you're not an ornery menace, my heart melts a little. Because under all the dirt, sweat and reptile facts, you're the most genuine little boy and I never want anything to happen to you.
But if you start milking rattlesnakes or get another idiot job, I'm disowning you.
Signed
Emma
Dear Elisha,
You mister, have had my heart since the beginning.
I just love your smile and your laugh. I love how excited you get about reading and playing dress up. Being a kid is the best, and if there was a right way to be eight years old, you're it.
And I want you to know that you don't have to do anything you don't want to you. Don't you let anyone ever tell you that you can't be something because of anything. As long as you love it, it's worth it.
When you're older I expect you to read The Westing Game because that's a good book and your other siblings are blind to literature.
Signed,
Emma
Dear Egan,
Oh boy are you lucky. I did so many dumb things that by the time you're a teenager, Mom and Dad won't care NEARLY as much when you "mess" up.
But in all honesty, I'm sorry for being gone most of your life. I'm sorry that everytime I'm gone overnight you assume that I'm never coming back. And I'm sorry that it's going to be like that. I don't want to be your phantom older sister and missing chunks of your life is is hard because I held you as a baby and I knew immediately that I would miss you growing up because I would be away at school.
But I want you to know that you'll always have me. You'll always have your big sister to come and talk to our parents when they're overreacting. And I'll bring you to concerts and I'll do fun things with you as much as I can. And when you're a Dad, and I hold your baby for the first time, I promise I'll cry.
And don't think I forgot that half the stuffed animals in your bed belong to me.
Signed,
Emma
Saturday, November 14, 2015
Dear Everyone Who Is Wondering What I Do When I'm Sick,
Yeah. I woke up feeling...
Yeah. I woke up feeling...
Stomach ache, head ache, and a wad of mucus in my throat.
Everything was too confusing, like, the snapchat filters.
So, I decided to shower.
Then I fell asleep. When I woke up, it was snack time. #selfcare
Pro tip for being sick, annoy your mom.
Then you can do this:
#wastingtime
Maybe look at your origami cranes. Or the ceiling. Ceilings are nice..
I then sent snapchats depicting my beauty to all my pals.
Text someone who cares about boy bands as much as you do.
Try to read before you get too distracted.
Look at Harry Styles and *sigh*
Look through old pictures you forgot you had..
Do this:
Then finally, relax with bae...
Signed,
Emma
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