Dear People Whom I'm Thankful For,

So it's been a while since I last posted.
The holiday has been brutal on my work schedule. I love working in retail (Like for real, no sarcasm, I actually really love my job), but working thanksgiving and black friday really was something...

ANYWAY

Here I am, with a list of people who have played a big role in my life. Some of these people are negative and some positive and I love dearly. But because they were/are in my life I am who I am today, and for that I am so thankful. These people will be unnamed. All I will say, is the greatest reason why I am thankful for them.

1) Thank you for being a true friend.
2) Thank you for being care free.
3) Thank you for understanding me.
4) Thank you for being difficult in more ways than one.
5) Thank you for always being honest.
6) Thank you for being brave.
7) Thank you for being a leader and showing people where to go.
8) Thank you for making me live life while I can.
9) Thank you for teaching me what I need to know, with a blunt lack of sugar coating.
10) Thank you for teaching me about love.
11) Thank you for showing me that being outside your comfort zone isn't always bad.
12) Thank you for letting me shine.
13) Thank you for being my buddy.
14) Thank you for being different.
15) Thank you for pushing my limits.
16) Thank you for showing my motherly love.
17) Thank you for sticking with me.
18) Thank you for being an angel.
19) Thank you for being a "hero" in times of need.
20) Thank you for being my loudest cheerleader.
21) Thank you for adoring me as I am.
22) Thank you for taking me in and showing me love.
23) Thank you for giving me memories.
24) Thank you for being so influential on me, and others.
25) Thank you for being the younger sister I felt I never had.
26) Thank you for pushing me to work past mental and physical pain.
27) Thank you for being my best friend.
28) Thank you for being honest.
29) Thank you for being my rock.
30) Thank you for openly struggling.
31) Thank you for making me what I could've been.
32) Thank you for being what you never got.
33) Thank you for being there in the storm.
34) Thank you for being amazing.
35) Thank you for getting me to Russia.
36) Thank you for believing in me.
37) Thank you for testing my love.
38) Thank you for making me talk.
39) Thank you for making me smile in hard times.
40) Thank you for always being there, regardless of my actions.
41) Thank you for being the best example.
42) Thank you for being "that" friend.
43) Thank you for giving me roots.
44) Thank you for teaching me to free myself from chains.

Dear Mom and Dad,

    About the eye roll thing, I can see how that would get annoying. But you see, I'm still stuck in the phase where you both are dumb as dirt. Child psychologists suggest that I'll snap out of it in my early twenties, so there's hope. But despite my sage, eighteen year old wisdom, part of me knows that you're right. But only sometimes. Don't get excited.
    So I guess in the most oppositional way possible, I'm trying to say thank you and I love you.
    I can't imagine how hard it must be for a parent to play tug of war with their child.

    *lets go of rope*

    Signed,
    Emma


Dear Erik,

    Someday you're going to have to let loose. You can't be so uptight your whole life or steam will keep building up and then you'll shatter. Believe me. Take it from someone who kept everything inside for so long. You can't be like me.
    You're the most hardworking person I know and someday you'll be the best guy there ever was.  But before you get too full of yourself...
    I'm your big sister and you're still a knucklehead sometimes.
    When you go to college don't get too "frat".

     Signed,
     Emma


Dear Ellie,

     You may be taller but I'm older. Just to make that clear. I'm the alpha dog.
     But I'm glad you're the Beta dog. When I'm gone, I know the manners of the household are left in good hands. And I know that because you're growing up. You don't deface my property anymore, you just bruise my self esteem a tad. Because really, you're beautiful and I don't tell you that enough. Because I wish I had an older sister to tell me that.
      You're very capable, and sure the world is scary but hey, I'm scared of the dark. You just can't let it stop you.
       I hope you get to marry Captain America someday.

      Signed,
      Emma


Dear Everson,

     Every family has a hothead. And generally I don't get along with the hotheads.
     You drive me crazy. (seriously just flush the toilet, that's all I ask.)
     And because you make me want to pull my hair out, I might just love you the most. And when you come and give me hugs with no ulterior motives other than just stopping what you're doing to show me that you have a soul and you're not an ornery menace, my heart melts a little. Because under all the dirt, sweat and reptile facts, you're the most genuine little boy and I never want anything to happen to you.
      But if you start milking rattlesnakes or get another idiot job, I'm disowning you.

      Signed
      Emma


Dear Elisha,

     You mister, have had my heart since the beginning.
     I just love your smile and your laugh. I love how excited you get about reading and playing dress up. Being a kid is the best, and if there was a right way to be eight years old, you're it.
     And I want you to know that you don't have to do anything you don't want to you. Don't you let anyone ever tell you that you can't be something because of anything. As long as you love it, it's worth it.
     When you're older I expect you to read The Westing Game because that's a good book and your other siblings are blind to literature.

     Signed,
     Emma


Dear Egan,

     Oh boy are you lucky. I did so many dumb things that by the time you're a teenager, Mom and Dad won't care NEARLY as much when you "mess" up.
     But in all honesty, I'm sorry for being gone most of your life. I'm sorry that everytime I'm gone overnight you assume that I'm never coming back. And I'm sorry that it's going to be like that. I don't want to be your phantom older sister and missing chunks of your life is is hard because I held you as a baby and I knew immediately that I would miss you growing up because I would be away at school.
     But I want you to know that you'll always have me. You'll always have your big sister to come and talk to our parents when they're overreacting. And I'll bring you to concerts and I'll do fun things with you as much as I can. And when you're a Dad, and I hold your baby for the first time,  I promise I'll cry.
     And don't think I forgot that half the stuffed animals in your bed belong to me.

     Signed,
    Emma

Dear Everyone Who Is Wondering What I Do When I'm Sick,

                                                              Yeah. I woke up feeling...

Stomach ache, head ache, and a wad of mucus in my throat.

Everything was too confusing, like, the snapchat filters.

So, I decided to shower.

Then I fell asleep. When I woke up, it was snack time. #selfcare

Pro tip for being sick, annoy your mom. 

Then you can do this:

#wastingtime 

Maybe look at your origami cranes. Or the ceiling. Ceilings are nice..

I then sent snapchats depicting my beauty to all my pals.

Text someone who cares about boy bands as much as you do.

Try to read before you get too distracted.

Look at Harry Styles and *sigh* 

Look through old pictures you forgot you had..

Do this:

Then finally, relax with bae... 

Signed,

Emma

Dear Everyone

Since I'm having a fun time with college stress currently, I thought I'd share some of my foolproof ideas for paying tuition with you. Feel free to use my ideas. Really, I'm here to help.

1) Get a job and work a million hours and get paid.
2) Join the National Guard and let them pay for college.
3) Marry a millionaire/be a sugar baby.
4) Sell your younger siblings.
5) Write inspirational quotes and sell them to a fortune cookie company.
6) Throw paint on a canvas at random and call it modern art.
7) Rob a bank.
8) Take your friend with a scholarship and throw them in a dungeon and pose as them.
9) Get a really good SAT score.
10) Write childrens books.
11) Take apart your refrigerator and sell the parts.
12) Try to make a living as the next Little Match Girl.
13) Become a contract killer.
14) Dig up dinosaur fossils and sell them.
15) Be an extra in a thousand hollywood blockbusters.
16) Cut your limbs off and sell them on the black market.
17) Work hard and do work studies at school.
18) Donate plasma.
19) Make parody videos to hotline bling.
20) Become a stripper.

You're so welcome.

Signed,
Emma
 

Dear Everyone Who Is Battling The Invisible Monster,

     You know it's a common thing to say in this day and age, "I'm so depressed."

     "Ugh kill me."

     "If I fail this test just tell me to slit my wrists."

     "Depressed?! Who do you think I am?!"

     And I'll tell you who they think you are. They think you're one of the people who run one of those sad quote Instagram accounts. They think the pinacle of your "depression" is a beautiful person who used to be happy, is now sad, cue your prince or princess to come and rescue you. They think you're one of two things. Either you're an angel with broken wings, thin and hauntingly pretty. The person who will turn around and give motivational speeches to walls they think are listening, after they decide to climb out of bed and realize that other people have it worse.

      Or.

      You're the person who is insulted by people saying, "Why is he like that?" "I don't know, he's depressed or something."
      It's a wonder anyone is ever depressed. I mean, those kids in Africa really should be the sad ones. But that makes me wonder, which of those little orphans is truly the most cursed. That child should be the sad one, the others have it better. But wait, why stop there? If only the heavens could conduct a misery census. The human on this planet that is the most heavy laden with weight and worry is the only person who can be depressed. Congratulations.
      But, you see, why do we only do this with sadness? Why do we not see a child laughing and ask, "Why are they laughing?" "I dont know, the kid thinks it's happy or something." Why isn't it a universal, unspoken law that, you can't be happy because other people have it better than you. Since when did we have to be the best or worst at having human emotions. When did we start making lists of emotions that are socially acceptable to broadcast to the world? Why are there feelings that grow homes inbetween our ribs that get pushed under the refrigerator with the other bits of dust.

      Because sometimes you are drowning in an ocean that no one else can see. And we, as humans, learn pretty quick to not seek help, because the best most people have to offer is a sugarcoated, "get over it."
      And that's the invisible monster that lives among us.

      The Troll

      So what I've learned today? I've learned that the video above is the best description of the invisible monster I've ever heard. And that hearing that description, was exactly what I needed in order to feel entitled to an "off day".

      Take care.
      Signed,
      Emma

    Dear Everyone Who Is Trying To Figure Out What They Want To Be When They Grow Up,

    So I just watched The Martian with my younger brother and not only was that movie intense, it made me cry. Movies don't usually make me cry. And when I was younger I would pretend to cry during movies to fit in with my girlfriends, who were bawling their eyes out because the girl and the guy broke up in every, romance, movie, ever created on the planet. But this movie had one scene, that really got me considering the current mountian I'm climbing.
    I've been a ballet dancer for my entire, eighteen year old life. But because of reasons that I'll end up blogging about later, I recently quit ballet. And that kinda changed a lot of things for me. The big, screaming change being, what am I going to do with my life now? I was well on my way to being hired as a professional ballet dancer. I was coming home from the best ballet school in the world, preparing to compete in a world wide ballet competition, in hopes of earning a place within the top 20 eighteen year olds the world has to offer. That all came to a screeching halt, leaving me with a gaping hole in my chest, and the strong resemblance to a deer about to be hit by a semi truck. My "life's work" as I used to call it, was seemingly all for nothing. My years of skills would be wasted and I felt like I had no real life experience, in the world outside of the pressure cooker of dance. So why did I leave this behind and choose to climb the Mount Everest that my panic was forming?

     Ballet became a job.

     The very same art form that tens of thousands of children all over the world did for fun, became a job. The same thing that my former classmates and best friends would say was their passion, became my job. It became the thing that you wake up in the morning dreading. The thing that you need three cups of coffee running through your system in order to tolerate it. It became a tunnel that never ended, that I was just driving down, hoping the end was near because the only other passengers in my car were pain and comparison.
   
     And that's where The Martian comes in.

     As the hero is stuck on Mars, unsure that he'll survive he asks his former Commander via instant message, that if he should die, for her to give his parents the following message, "Tell my parents that I love what I do. And everything is worth it to me." And what made me cry was that it's possible to be at the point of death because of your job, and for you to still love it. Because if dance ever caused my death (which it almost did, but I'll get to that in later posts) my last words would be along the heavy lines of regret, despair and anguish.

    So what I've learned is that your life's work should be something that makes you proud. I don't want to be on my deathbed hating the last many years of my life. Searching for your passion is worth it. Take it from me.

    Signed,
    Emma

Dear Everyone,

     Do you know who you are? Do you know which parts of the sky you'd like to touch? Do you know the names of all the people who love you and would sing your name to the trees if they'd listen? Do you know the places on the earth that would cause you to loose your words because of the awesome beauty before your eyes? Do you know which parts of you are the most broken? Do you know the songs and poems and books that touch your heart so accurately, that it hurts you to share them with others?
      If you know the answers to all these questions and the millions of other questions in the world, then you know who you are. The answers to your questions will not likely be the same as others, at least not for the same reason. Because you're the only one who can reach deep into your soul and say all the reasons why you're awake at night and all the reasons why the Titanic made you cry.
     Do you realize that you're alive? Do you realize that something out there in the heavens or into the deepest parts of the universe breathed life into your bones and made you a creature with feelings and eyes? You are here. You are here and the very second you are living in now will shape your future.
     So.
     Listen to music that explains you.
     Draw pictures that show you how your mind looks on the inside so that you can stare at it and tell it that you're bigger than the creatures living inside you.
     Run until your lungs burn with the wild air, stop and drink it in before you keep going.
     Share your life with people who make you feel like you aren't wrong.
     Wish every night on every star and every time your clock reaches 11:11.
     Read and write all over your books. Make it your book.
     Do things that scare you, do things that make you feel like your heart is jumping.
     Eat everything you can and feed your body for the next journey.
     Make every single day that you have on this earth count.

     So this is what I've learned today: I will learn who I am over and over again every day that I am walking on this earth.

     Until next time.
     Signed,
     Emma